How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?
by jessebelle
Summary: A songfic with a real plot. Ron loves Hermione but doesn't tell her, she she's tired of waiting for him to see it, and so she's leaving England. Out of Hogwarts. Kinda sad, makes you want to console and hug Ron.


Heartbreak Melody

Chapter one: How am I supposed to Live Without You?

By jessebelle

Author's Note: Okay, around December of last year, I was listening to the radio. I tend to know a lot of songs and I always listen carefully to see how they might connect to characters in fanfiction. Currently I have a lot of songs. However, I heard this one and I knew I had to write it. Everything came to me, including the other songs stored in my memory. So I attempted to write this, but I got sidetracked. It's taken a while, but finally I was able to type it up. This songfic is one in a collection. I have a few other songs that can go along with the plot. I have three definites and I'll be listening for others. So, please review and tell me how you like it. And stay tuned for the rest of the story. Toodles, jessebelle.

************************************************************************

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Ronald Weasley, better known as Ron. I'm tall, have red hair, blue eyes, more then enough freckles, and I'm proud to say a generally nice body, but I could be biased. I guess playing quidditch and working as an auror has paid off. I'm at the ripe old age of 22, and currently one half of the best auror duo the Ministry has seen in years. I'm glad to say one of my best friends, Harry Potter, always has my back. I grew up happy, though my family's financial situation wasn't the best, but that's no longer a problem. I have two of the best friends in the world, The-man-who-defeated-Voldemort, Harry Potter, and yes his title did change, and the smartest witch in the wizarding world, Hermione Granger. 

Though no one knows it, least of all her, she's the reason I exist today. No, she didn't save me from death, okay maybe there was that one time…fine a few times when she saved my hide, but just the thought of her makes my blood pump and my heart beat. The way her silky, chestnut brown hair flows down her back, the way her brown eyes sparkle when she learns something new, the way she chews her bottom lip when she's nervous or upset, well, that's what I exist for, and have existed for since I was in my sixth year at Hogwarts. Oh, did I mention the fact I was a wizard, I just assumed you all knew. 

But back to Hermione, I knew she was the one for me five years ago. We were in the middle of potions class and Hermione was helping Neville. I had just finished preparing my ingredients, when I looked over and saw her smiling and praising Neville. Then she got a panicky look on her face and before she could stop him, Neville had added the Dragon's blood to the potion. I was on automatic and didn't realize what I'd done until the explosive liquid hit my back as I shielded Hermione, and then she looked up at me with wide eyes and whispered 'my hero'. 

I'm guessing I must have read more into it then what there really was. She didn't treat me any different and things went on like they always had, except I'd become infatuated with her. I watched her always, or at least when no one was looking. I tried to argue with her less. I really did listen when she spoke, and that's probably the reason I passed the NEWTs.  But the biggest change was probably that I stopped obsessing over quidditch. Sure, I still love the game, and I know for a fact that the Chudley Cannons will make a comeback, but it wasn't the only thing I thought about. I knew that Hermione hated listening to all of the talk about the fastest broom, or the latest game, so I did something about it. The next time Harry started a conversation about quidditch, I watched as Hermione rolled her eyes and reached for her book. Everyone had been shocked when I ignored all the talk about bludgers and quaffles. I instead turned to Hermione and asked about the book she was reading. I didn't expect Hermione to drop her book, or the entire great hall to go quiet. Harry had gone pale and McGonagall had told Snape to get Madame Pompfrey. I spent the next week in the infirmary while everyone insisted something was wrong and tried to find out what it was. It had been funny at first, but then it got annoying. The only highlight was when Hermione came to visit me. She was so sincere as she made sure I was okay. When they released me she even gave me a hug. I think that moment went down in my history as one of the best moments ever. Of course, I still had to check in with Pompfrey once a week while they tried to determine what was wrong. It was bumped to every other day when Malfoy spotted me reading Hogwarts: A History in the library.

As you can tell, I tried to change, a lot. But I was better for it, or at least that's what I think. It did help me become Head Boy. I'm honestly surprised that no one saw that I was just trying to become closer to my love, Hermione. 

I've toned it down a bit since then. I was tired of people treating me like I was crazy. I'm still in love with her, but I decided to wait for her to make the first move. I think that was my mistake. I guess the real story, the one you probably want to hear, starts here. 

It was a Thursday, October 23rd to be exact. I was working, doing all the paperwork that needed to be done. I guess that since I was Head Boy, Harry decided it was my job, though I did get to participate in the action. I was in my office at the ministry. I could hear my secretary outside, gossiping with one of the female aurors.

_I could hardly believe it  
When I heard the news today  
I had to come and get it straight from you  
  
_

"Did you hear? Granger's leaving. I heard her talking to her boss in the researching department. Apparently she'll be gone in a week. I also saw her packing."

My eyes widened at the news. That couldn't be true, Hermione couldn't leave. And if she were going on a trip or something, she'd have told Harry and I a while ago. 

"You're serious, she's leaving? But why would she leave? She has everything here."

"Oh, apparently she's going to live in Bulgaria. The ministry there has a job secured for her. Remember years ago, when she was dating Victor Krum, the quidditch player?"

"Yeah, like anyone forgot that. I still don't know why he chose her."

"Believe me, I know. Anyway, they've gotten back together with him. They've been dating in secret for a year now. He wants her to come live with her, and so she's leaving."

"Wow. I always thought she was with Weasley."

"So did I. She did a good job of hiding it all this time. Hey, did you hear about-"

I stopped listening. Hermione was with Krum! But, she couldn't be. She would have said something, I think. And she can't be leaving; it wasn't possible. I thought back to the past year, recollecting Hermione's behavior. 

With horror I remembered all the times Hermione would get an owl and her face would light up. And there were all the trips she mysteriously had to take. Then the few times Ginny had tried to set her up with someone, she'd always yell at his sister about how her love life was her business. Oh Merlin, what if it was true? I had to know, that's what led me to her office.

Standing in the doorway I couldn't help but smile as I saw her. Then I saw what she was doing. There were a few boxes around her office and she was currently placing things in a box on her desk. She didn't notice me come in.

"So it's true then, what there saying? You're leaving." I couldn't have masked my sadness if I tried.

She looked up at me, her eyes widening in shock. "Ron, what are you doing here?" She stepped in front of the box like she was hiding it from me.

"Answer the question Hermione." 

Her face dropped, it hurt me to see her looking so upset. "Ron, I, well-"

I didn't even have to hear her answer, it was written on her face.

_They said you were leavin'  
Someone's swept your heart away  
From the look upon your face, I see it's true  
  
_

         "Ron, I meant to tell you tonight, at dinner." She obviously knew I knew.

"How'd you find out?"

         "Susan and Pansy." Pansy was my secretary, Susan my fellow auror. Both were huge gossips. "They also said the reason you're leaving is you're going to live with Krum. You've been with him, haven't you?" My voice was filled with disappointment and I'm sure my face looked like I was watching a puppy get cursed.

         Hermione's mouth dropped, I could tell she hadn't thought that I would know. "Um, yeah, we got together a year ago."

         "You didn't think to tell me, us?" My voice was raised a little bit. She looked away, ashamed, and I knew. "They knew didn't they; Harry, Ginny, the rest of my family? I was the only one you didn't tell."

         She looked like someone had physically hurt her. "Yes." Her voice was raspy. My temper had risen; I fought to get it under control. "Why? Why didn't you tell me?"

         She finally looked up at me. "I didn't want to make you angry, or jealous. I remember the Yule Ball, Ron. You don't approve of us."

         I couldn't help the shock and the anger I started to feel. "I was fourteen Hermione, I've grown up a bit, if you haven't noticed. And what do you mean jealous?"

         Hermione looked embarrassed. "You act like I don't know. Ron, I, everyone, have figured out how you feel about me, it didn't take an idiot to find out. And I wish I could feel that way about you, but I don't."

         In that instant it felt like my entire world had fallen down. Everything collapsed. I felt sadness, humility, and quite a bit of embarrassment. So they all knew, and here I was acting like a lovesick idiot. I masked my feelings though, I didn't want to show her how I felt.

         "What are your plans then? And what were they? Were you just going to leave and wait to see how long it took me to find out?"

         "No Ron, I was going to tell you tonight. And as for my plans, I already have a job secured there. I'm basically being transferred to their ministry. I've been taking lessons from Victor so I'm pretty fluent with the language there. And I'm going to be moving in with Victor. I leave in six days."

         Six days, that's all I have left with her. Then she's, gone. What am I going to do? How am I supposed to live without her? I voiced these questions to her. She looked away and I could see she was uncomfortable. She didn't answer my questions.

         "Ron, I have to pack. Um, are we still on for tonight?"

         The muscles in my jaw clenched. So that was how it was going to be. "Fine, I'll see you tonight."

_So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the  
plans you're makin'  
Then tell me one thing more before I go:  
Tell me how am I suppose to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I suppose to live without you  
How am I suppose to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone_

         Four days later it finally hit me. Hermione was leaving, really leaving. She would be gone, going to live with Krum, in a whole different country. She wouldn't be here when I was bored and wanted to do something crazy. She wouldn't be here to help me when my male side took control and I screwed up. I wouldn't see her, sitting there; reading a book, her nose scrunched up. There would be no more fun dinners, no more wacky sleepovers. She would be, gone.

         With that revelation, I grabbed my wand and apparated over to her place. When I saw her there, reading a book, the nose scrunched and the eyes full of wonder, I couldn't stop the tears. She looked up and saw me, her face crumbled.

         "Ron, what's wrong?" She put the book down and walked over to me.

         I wiped the tears away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cry like that. Merlin, it's horrible."

         She came over and put an arm around me. "What is, Ron? What's so horrible that made you break down?"

         I sniffled and looked away. "I just realized you're actually leaving, that if I want to see you I'll have to travel. You're really leaving me, us."

         Hermione looked a little awkward. She withdrew her hand. "That's what's wrong. I thought you got over it."

I looked up, anger in my eyes. "Get over it! Get over it! Hermione, we've been friends for twelve years and suddenly you're going away. I can't just get over it!"

Hermione's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, but I want to do this, I have to do this."

"Right, you have to go and live with Vicky."

She glared at him. "I'm tired of this. Get over it Ron, I'm not yours, I never was. If you want to cry and whine, do it somewhere else."

She walked over and picked up her book again. I stared at her in shock. Then I apparated back to my flat. The tears started up again, but I didn't care. I flopped over to my couch and cried. It felt like my heart had been ripped out right then. I didn't go over just to embarrass myself, to break down the way I did. It's just; everything I've felt for seven years is ending.

I didn't come here for cryin'  
Didn't come here to break down  
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end  
  


         It took me a while to realize she was right. She didn't belong to me; I had no hold over her. She had never belonged to me. I can't even blame her for how she feels. She's right. All these years I've been living in hope that she'd just decide she loved me the way I loved her. I built my entire world around the dream. I had no real control over anything anymore. I just wished I could have realized this sooner.

And how can I blame you  
When I build my world around  
The hope that one day, we'd be so much  
more than friends  
  


         Everything has a price in this world, even love. In my case the price of not telling Hermione how I feel, for living in a dream, is that Hermione's no longer going to be a part of my life. It's a hard price; one I could definitely do without. It's a high price; one that even now it's more than I can take. Just the thought of no longer seeing her, it's an emotional overload. It's too much. I just wish I had confessed my feelings, back when I had a chance.

_And I don't wanna know the price I'm  
gonna pay for dreaming  
When even now it's more than I can take_

         I asked her, again. I calmed myself down and went back to her apartment.  I didn't expect her to be nice, or even polite. She wasn't She did listen though. And I asked her. How was I supposed to survive without her in my life? I asked her how would I changed everything about how I was living, now that I wouldn't have her there to love. I asked her how I was to live, now that the central part of my live, the thing I'd been living for, would be gone. Hermione always had the answers, but she wouldn't tell me.

_Tell me how am I suppose to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I suppose to live without you  
How am I suppose to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone_

         The prince, in my opinion is way too high. I regret living in my dream, dreaming my live away. There's a part of me, one that survives to please Hermione and make sure she's happy. The part still exists in me; I still want her to be happy. No matter how selfish I want to be, cursing her for leaving, I can't because she's going to be happy, and that's all I want for her. One of our dreams had to come true. I regret it wasn't mine, but hers finally came true. And at least I can be happy about that.

_And I don't wanna face the price I'm  
gonna pay for dreaming  
Now that your dream has come true_

         The questions, all run through my head. Hermione, the one with all the answers, won't tell me what I need to now. All I know is she's leaving; the person I live my life for will be gone in a few days. I only have two days to live my life, and I can already tell that they won't be happy. I wish, I wish, I would have made my feeling clear; maybe things would be different. But she'll be gone, and I'll have to somehow survive. I just wish I knew how.

_Tell me how am I suppose to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I suppose to live without you  
How am I suppose to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone_

****


End file.
